A Bit of Fun
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: From the beginning of their relationship, the Joker insisted that Harley Quinn was just a bit of fun to him. This story examines the beginning of that relationship, and continues on through the many ups and downs to see if the Joker can finally admit that Harley means more to him than that. Thanks to Mrsmellarkandeaton for the breakup ideas! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**A Bit of Fun**

It had been a good day, thought the Joker, leaning back contentedly in the car and trying to catch his breath after one of his admittedly not unusual laughing fits. A plan he had been working on for months had finally come to fruition, a plan that he had invested a lot of energy and effort into, and it was always rewarding to see hard work like that pay off. On top of which, he was now once again a free man. Sure, he had some minor injuries from his latest Bat beating, but what did that matter in the grand scheme of things? Wounds healed – they wouldn't stop him from reveling in that feeling of victory as he glanced over at the girl who had sprung him from Arkham Asylum, the former Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

She had blown out his cell door, introducing herself as his "new and improved Harley Quinn," and calling him "puddin'" in the process. Which had been dreadfully annoying, and the only drawback in an otherwise perfect escape – she had used gag items to cause serious injury, one of Joker's favorite things to do to unsuspecting citizens. She was emulating that whole clown thing really well. And that harlequin getup wasn't too shabby either. She was a masterpiece, thought Joker, smugly – a testament to his persuasiveness and charm. The girl had thrown her life away as a successful doctor just to help him break outta the nuthouse. It was a great joke, just like he had planned. The perfect gag, and a whole lotta fun.

Harley glanced at him, grinning. "So…where to, puddin'?" she asked.

"Yeah, don't call me that again," said Joker, his smile falling slightly in annoyance. "I ain't really the type for pet names."

Harley shrugged. "You're the boss," she said.

"Yes, I am," agreed Joker, beaming again. He had been in control of everything – pulling the strings so the shrink would pity him, and then when that pity had gradually grown into something deeper, making his move. Telling the girl that she was only one who could possibly understand him, the only one he trusted with his secrets, and the dumb blonde had been so gullible that she had swallowed every word, hook, line, and sinker. She lapped up his sob stories, cooed over his lies, and finally, when the moment was right, had surrendered herself completely to him. The Joker didn't think of himself as a Don Juan type – romantic seduction wasn't his usual, go to method. But it had been too perfect to resist with Harley. The poor little thing had never been in love before, didn't seem to have any friends or relationships – she confided her deepest wishes to him, her deepest hopes and dreams of true love, and it had been simplicity itself to take advantage of those, to make her believe that she was special to him, the only woman who could ever save or redeem him. She had wanted to believe that, and so she had. It hadn't even been particularly difficult to seduce her, she had been so utterly naïve. She had wanted to see the best in him, even if that best didn't actually exist. And so when the time came for her to fall, she fell hard.

Truly one of the greatest jokes of his career, thought Joker, looking at her. But that's all she was – a joke. A bit of fun, that he had used to escape from Arkham. And now…now he was interested in seeing her next move. Maybe the joke wasn't over yet, and he could play with her some more. When the Joker grew tired of his toys, he broke them, but he wasn't tired of Harley Quinn just yet.

"The hideout's just up here," he said, pointing. "Left and then a right. The boys should roll out the welcome wagon."

Harley's face fell slightly. "Oh. The henchmen stay in the hideout too? I kinda thought…it'd just be us."

"Nope," said Joker. "Not a huge amount of privacy in the hideout."

"Oh," repeated Harley, her face falling again. "That's a shame. Because I kinda wanted to celebrate our escape properly…y'know," she said, grinning at him.

 _What is wrong with this woman?_ thought Joker, frowning. Apart from the obvious, of course. Even when they were in Arkham, where their intimate moments together had to be brief out of necessity, Harley always wanted more, completely disregarding the risks of them getting caught. Sex wasn't really something the Joker was particularly interested in – it had been a necessary tool in order to ensure Harley's cooperation in his escape, but he wasn't ever seized with uncontrollable sexual urges, which this woman seemed to be all the time. Just his luck that the one time he did try the Don Juan route, he had seduced a nymphomaniac. Maybe he would break the toy sooner rather than later unless she cooled off a little.

"Well…maybe later," said Joker, slowly. "Maybe I can get the guys to clear out…or something."

Harley giggled – that was clearly enough to be a positive confirmation for her. Well, he wasn't going to be pressured into anything by some sex-maniac dame – she would have to learn to control herself. There was no way he was letting this little toy, this tool he had used to bust outta Arkham, push him around or awaken his libido. He liked his apathy toward sex just fine – made his appetite for murder and mayhem even stronger. And the quickies they'd had in Arkham had been fun and all, but that was all they were – quick and emotionless. Sex, real sex, could get messy and complicated with things like feelings and emotions and all that stuff the Joker was pleased to be able to do without. And there was no way he was letting this dumb blonde change that.

As long as what they had was always just a bit of fun, and nothing else, Harley could stick around. The moment she wanted anything more serious, Joker had vowed to put a bullet in her head himself.

He nodded firmly in resolution as they pulled up to the Joker's hideout. A bunch of henchmen rushed out to greet him. "Boss, we weren't expecting you back so soon!" exclaimed one, Rocco Demarco. "The Bat only dragged you back to Arkham last night!"

"Yeah, but I had a little escape plan all worked out, Roc!" chuckled Joker, as he was helped outta the car by Harley. "And ain't she just a peach?"

All the henchmen stared at Harley in bewilderment. "Uh…who is she, boss?" asked one, slowly.

"Harley Quinn," said Harley, beaming at them. "Pleased to meetcha!"

They all still stared at her in confusion. "Harley…Quinn, y'know, like the clown character?" said Harley, slowly, looking around at them all. This clearly didn't ring any bells, and Harley shrugged. "I'm the Joker's girlfriend," she said, nodding at him.

Joker stumbled at this and she caught him. He laughed uncomfortably. "Harley…let's not get carried away with labels!" he chuckled.

"Whaddya mean, puddin'?" asked Harley. "I _am_ your girlfriend, ain't I?"

"Girlfriend is…such a strong word," said Joker, slowly.

"No, it ain't," retorted Harley.

"Sure it is!" laughed Joker. "Has a lotta…connotations, y'know."

"Like what?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Like…y'know…like we got kinda a relationship going on."

"Don't we?" asked Harley.

This was really, really awkward, thought Joker, feeling the stares of the henchmen on them. He cleared his throat. "Why don't we go inside, sweets, and discuss this privately? Boys, just…go back to doing…whatever it was you were doing."

He leaned against Harley as she helped him into the hideout. Joker nodded toward his room at the end of the hall, and Harley took him there. "Boy, I'm beat!" exclaimed Joker as she closed the door. "Literally and figuratively!" he chuckled, gesturing to his wounds. "Think I'll hit the sack straightaway…"

"Mr. J, what did you mean out there?" interrupted Harley. Clearly she wasn't going to let this drop – typical woman. "About labels and stuff?"

"Just that…there's no hurry to label things, is there?" asked Joker. "Why not just the enjoy the fun and casualness of the whole thing?"

Harley looked at him. "I just kinda thought…after what happened between us at Arkham…that we were kinda…together."

"Together," repeated Joker. "Right. Like…"

"Like in a relationship. I'm your girlfriend, right? Just, y'know, when you're…intimate with someone like that…that means you're in a relationship, doesn't it?"

Joker laughed nervously again. "Kiddo, sex doesn't automatically lead to a relationship! It's just casual and fun. Don't you enjoy fun, cupcake?"

"Sure I do," agreed Harley, nodding. "But…y'know…what I've done for you, giving up my life and all…I did it because I wanted to start a new life in a committed relationship with you. I love you."

Joker didn't know how to respond to that. It wasn't a joke – her face was deadly serious. Maybe he should say it back, just as a gag, but he just stared at her, trying to comprehend what exactly was going on in her head. The Joker had a very high opinion of himself, and he couldn't blame people for emulating and admiring him. But loving him? He had never thought of himself as particularly loveable – I mean, what was there to love about him? He wasn't a cuddly, heartfelt, sincere guy, not a Romeo type. He wasn't a lover. He was the Joker. A psychopathic, homicidal clown. He had a great sense of humor, and women did tend to like that, but still…he was hardly lover material.

He laughed at last. "Harley…you can't possibly love me. You don't even know me…"

"Yeah, I do," interrupted Harley. "You've told me your secrets, and all about your past."

"But that was all…" he began, then stopped. No need to ruin that joke just yet. "But…that's not who I am now, Harley. I may have had a hard time growing up, but I ain't just some lost, innocent victim. I'm a bad guy, and I do bad things. Nobody…loves a bad guy."

"I do," said Harley. "You're right, Mr. J, your past doesn't matter to me. I've read all about your crimes, and I know the kinda guy you are. And I still love you. I don't think I'm some saving angel who's gonna come into your life and reform you – a lotta women think that about bad guys, but I know I can't change you, and I don't want to. You're perfect just the way you are, Mr. J. That's why I love you."

"And the killing and stuff…that doesn't bother you?" asked Joker, slowly.

"Anybody who would hurt you deserves to be killed," retorted Harley. "Especially Batman. From now on, nobody's gonna lay a finger on my angel without me beating 'em six ways from Sunday. Because that's what you are to me, Mr. J. You're my angel. You saved me from the boring routine of my life and helped me find who I really am. I'm Harley Quinn, your girlfriend. And I love everything about you – your passion for crimes, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your bloodthirstiness, your laugh…everything. I love you, Mr. J."

"Well…ok then," said Joker, lamely. "That's…good for you, I guess. Yeah. Well, I'm heading to bed," he said, changing the subject. "So see you tomorrow, toots."

"Ok. Which is my side?" asked Harley.

"Side?" repeated Joker, puzzled.

"Of the bed," she said, nodding at it. "We're in a relationship, so we share a bed, right?"

"Uh…well, see, kid, what you gotta understand is that I tend to need…all the space," he said, gesturing at the bed. "Tend to…uh…toss and turn and flop around at night, and I wouldn't wanna hurt you…"

"I'm sure I can get used to it," said Harley.

Joker was sick of being nice now – he was generally a charmer, but he had a quick temper, and Harley had been pushing all sorts of buttons since the escape, with this whole girlfriend-relationship-love stuff. And now she presumed she would just impose upon his life by stealing away his personal space – it was the last straw.

"Look, you little brat!" he snapped. "You ain't sleeping in my bed! What, you think just because you helped me bust outta Arkham that you can suddenly come into my life and change everything?! I'm the Joker! Nobody tells me what to do, and nobody invades my personal space! I live and work alone – always have done, and always will do! I don't do relationships, and I don't need a dame, especially not some nagging, irritating little waste of space like you! So get outta my room before I beat you so hard you won't be able to sleep here or anywhere else for a week!"

There were tears in Harley's eyes as she stared at him in heartbreak. But she merely nodded, turned, and left the room.

"Dumb blonde," muttered Joker, climbing into bed. "She'd better learn her place. Won't keep her around if she keeps pushing me – bit of fun ain't worth putting up with a nag. She should be damn grateful she even sparked my interest, not wanting more and more. Girlfriend, relationship, love, ugh!" he said, making a face. "Not for me! Love is all being sincere and honest - no joke in that! I ain't like normal guys – I ain't gonna let some dame come into my life and start turning everything upside down! What does she think I am, some simpering puppy who's gonna pine after her? She better accept that she's just a bit of fun, and when I get bored with her, she's outta here! She don't mean nothing to me, and she better get used to that, and fast."

He spread out on the bed, shutting his eyes. "Love," he muttered. "She loves me. Honestly, how dumb can you get?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Morning, Harley," said Rocco Demarco, as he found Harley curled up asleep outside of Joker's bedroom door again. "I brought you some breakfast, along with the boss's. The guys have made bacon and eggs, and there's coffee, as usual."

"Oh…thanks, Roc," said Harley, yawning and stretching as she sat up. She took the plate and mug from him, and then scooted out of the way as Rocco knocked on the Joker's door.

"Boss? I got your breakfast!" he called.

The door was thrown open, hitting Harley and spilling her breakfast and coffee all over herself. "Bout time!" snapped Joker, grabbing his own breakfast from Rocco. "I been waiting ages…"

"Harley, are you ok?" asked Rocco, bending down to help her as she wiped the coffee off. Joker looked down at her too, partly annoyed and partly confused.

"What are you doing down there?" he demanded.

"I was…uh…sleeping," said Harley.

"You got your own room – why were you sleeping on the floor like a dog?" he asked.

"I…uh…just wanted to be near you," she murmured, tears in her eyes. "I get real lonely in my room on my own and…it was just kinda unbearable after you left me…after we…"

"Yeah, yeah, Roc don't need to hear what we did!" snapped Joker, interrupting her. "This ain't the first time you've slept here, is it?"

Harley shook her head. "I get lonely a lot," she said. "And being near you…even through a closed door…it helps. I can hear your breathing and your snoring…"

"I don't snore!" snapped Joker.

"I just like being close to you, Mr. J," murmured Harley. "There's no harm in that, is there?"

"Yeah, there is," he retorted. "See for yourself. You got crap all over your clothes. It's a good lesson for you, though – don't sleep there in future."

"I'll get you another plate of something, Harley," said Rocco, heading back to the kitchen and leaving Harley and Joker alone.

"So…last night was…nice," said Harley, gently.

"Sure, yeah," agreed Joker.

"You kinda hurried outta there though…maybe in future we could…cuddle some?" asked Harley, tentatively.

"Cuddle?" repeated Joker, furiously. "Cuddle?! Do I seem like the kinda guy who wants to cuddle?!"

"It's fine – we don't have to if you don't want to," said Harley. "I want this relationship to work on your terms, Mr. J."

"Would you please stop calling it that?" said Joker.

"Well, if it ain't a relationship, what is it?" asked Harley.

"It's a bit of fun," retorted Joker. "And that's all you are, Harley, and don't you forget it. Don't start getting above yourself by demanding to cuddle or any of that crap. I'm the Joker, and I don't do relationships, and I don't do girlfriends."

"Funny, I kinda thought you did one last night," retorted Harley, dryly.

"Is that meant to be a joke?" demanded Joker. "Because it's crap!"

Harley shrugged. "If you don't mind me pointing out, Mr. J, you've been enjoying a lotta fun these past few days. If this is really all casual and meaningless to you, why do you constantly keep coming back for more?"

"Because I enjoy fun!" snapped Joker. "I'm the Joker – fun's kinda my thing!"

"I've read everything about you, Mr. J, and I know that sex ain't never been your thing," retorted Harley. "So what's happened to change your mind?"

"Look, kid, you ain't my shrink now!" snapped Joker. "So don't demand answers to stupid questions! I can do what I wanna, whenever I wanna! And if I've suddenly decided that sex is something I want, I don't see anything wrong in that!"

"Ok, well, if sex is all you want, you could always go out there and get it from some other girl," said Harley.

"Why would I go find some other girl when you're right here?" demanded Joker. "Why would I go through any effort when you're willing and eager and…nice-looking?"

"So you think I'm pretty?" asked Harley. "You're attracted to me?"

"Well…not right now when you got crap all over you," said Joker. "But…yeah, I guess. Physically, yeah…I'm attracted to you."

"We're good together, huh?" pressed Harley. "Physically, I mean."

"Yeah, we're…good," he agreed. "It's good. The sex, I mean…is good."

"So I guess you could say…you think I'm attractive. And you enjoy me in a way you never had any inclination of enjoying another woman before. And you enjoy our time together, which is frequent, and you don't seem eager to go out and find someone else. So I guess I'm confused as to why you don't think this is a relationship."

Joker's eyebrows narrowed. "Now look, toots, stop trying to play your little shrink mind games! What we got is a...thing! Not a relationship! We got a thing going on!"

"Oh, a thing," said Harley, nodding. "Right. Sounds to me like you're just desperately trying not to make this into a relationship. I dunno what you're so scared of, Mr. J."

"I ain't scared of nothing!" snapped Joker. "I'm the Joker, toots! I don't even know what fear is!"

"So why won't you call our thing by its proper name?" asked Harley.

"Fine!" he roared. "Fine, we're in a…relationship! A relationship in which I have all the power, and you do as I say, when I say it! And I say go back to your room and get cleaned up because you look like crap with stuff all over you!"

Harley grinned. "You want me to look pretty for you, huh, Mr. J?"

"Yeah, I don't want people thinking I got a slob for a g…a girl…a girlfr…nah, I still can't say it," he retorted, slamming the door to his room.

"Gee, Harley, you look pretty happy for someone who got such a rude awakening," commented Rocco, who found her beaming to herself as he brought her another plate.

"I am, Roc," said Harley, nodding. "Just got another baby step accomplished. When dealing with Mr. J, small victories are big victories, as I'm sure you know."

"Yeah…not really sure why you bother, though," said Rocco, slowly. "You're a sweet kid, Harley. Why wouldn't you want a nice guy who treats you right, one you wouldn't have to do baby steps with, who would just love you unconditionally as a guy should?"

"Because I don't want that kinda guy, Roc," retorted Harley. "I'm in love with Mr. J. And when you're in love with the Joker, you can't expect things to be easy. He's a complicated guy, and he doesn't have the same desires or emotions as normal people. That's what I love about him. He's unique and special."

"It's just…if it's taken him this long to even make the smallest step forward in your relationship, it's gonna take him forever to make big ones," said Rocco. "If he even does at all. You could be wasting your life on a guy who will never see you as anything more than…well…a bit of fun."

Harley shrugged. "Maybe," she agreed. "But I have faith in Mr. J. Anyway, even if he don't ever see me as anything more than that, I won't have wasted my life, because at least I'll be having fun. A lotta people waste their lives, Roc, slaving away at a job, trapped in a relationship they don't really wanna be in, doing what society wants them to do without any thought for what they as an individual actually wanna do. They spend their lives locked up, bound by the chains of sanity and expectation, and they're the ones who waste 'em. Me, as long as I'm with Mr. J, I'm gonna have a smile on my face. And that ain't a waste, Roc. That's all anyone can ask outta life – to have a little fun."

Rocco admired Harley's determination and optimism. But frankly, he couldn't understand where it came from – the Joker was not an affectionate man at the best of times. Harley kept trying to show affection to him, and it was often rejected with the cruelest mental and physical abuse. Rocco heard them together sometimes, fighting, and sometimes he'd hear Harley in pain, and sometimes he'd hear the Joker in pain. But neither of them seemed to want to break out of the abusive cycle – it seemed to Rocco that the abuse with something that both of them craved. It was a mutual thing - the way normal couples would crave affection from each other, they both craved violence. So in that way Rocco guessed Harley was right – she was different to any other woman the Joker had ever met. No other woman had ever enjoyed pain and violence as much as the boss, nor shared his bizarre sense of humor based around hurting others. Rocco had been working for the Joker for a long time, and he'd never even looked at a dame in that way before. Harley was special, and whether she was special because she shared the boss's passion for violence, or whether she actually awakened some deeper, tender feelings in him, Rocco wasn't sure.

But he was sure of one thing – Harley would never give up on the Joker. As long as it took, and as unpleasant he could be to her, she clung on. And a couple months afterward, Rocco knocked on the Joker's door to bring him his breakfast as usual, and it was opened by Harley, a sleepy, adoring smile on her face.

"Morning, Roc," she said, taking the plate from him.

"Oh…morning, Harley," said Rocco, surprised. "I…uh…was gonna bring your breakfast to your room, but…uh…guess I'll go get another plate to bring here?"

"I would, Roc," agreed Harley, beaming. "I really would."

"Harley! Stop yammering and get your worthless ass back to bed – I'm trying to sleep here!" shouted the Joker's irritated voice from inside.

Harley grinned at Rocco. "Baby steps, Roc," she murmured. "I'm coming, puddin'!" she called, shutting the door.

Rocco waited for the inevitable slap and scream, which is what always happened when Harley called Joker puddin'. But they didn't come. Rocco was truly astonished, and impressed by Harley's tenacity and influence. But then she had been a shrink, so she was obviously pretty smart, and pretty good at figuring out how people's minds worked, even a mind as crazy and messed up as the Joker's.

Rocco had sometimes considered quitting the henchguy gig – the work didn't pay hugely well for the kind of danger and harm he was constantly subjected to. But as he went to go get another plate for Harley, he found himself strangely intrigued to see how far Harley could actually push the boss, and how much the boss would actually accept this new relationship situation in his life. Nobody had ever challenged the Joker before, except Batman, but that was a different kind of challenge to Harley. Harley was revealing parts of the boss Rocco didn't even know existed – parts that could almost, in a weird kinda way, be termed loving and affectionate. So like Harley, Rocco resolved to hang around the boss just to see what happened. She was along for the ride, and so was he. However long it took.


	3. Chapter 3

**Three Years Later**

Harley Quinn tried to move her arm, and hissed in pain. Her whole body ached like mad, an unpleasant, constant ache with occasional bouts of agony that the painkillers did little to dispel. Harley enjoyed pain generally, but this was just ridiculous. She couldn't move around on her own, as the doctors had informed her that almost every bone in her body had been broken. Well, that was to be expected when you fell twenty storeys out of a window. No, she didn't fall, she reminded herself with a frown. She'd been pushed. By the man who supposedly loved her, the man she had dedicated her life to helping and protecting. He had shoved her out of a window and broken almost every bone in her body. Harley was no stranger to the Joker's abuse, but this had been beyond anything he had ever done to her. This wasn't funny at all. And while a part of Harley reprimanded herself and told her she deserved it for trying to come between Mr. J and Batman, the rest of her was hopping mad about it.

And not just about it – also about what Batman had said. Harley had got ahold of the idea that if Batman were killed and put outta the picture, her and Mr. J could finally settle down, retire to the suburbs and start the family she had always dreamed of having with him. So she had taken one of the Joker's rejected schemes, "The Death of a Hundred Smiles," (rejected because it involved dropping the victim into a piranha tank, piranhas which the Joker couldn't make smile) and fixed it by hanging the victim upside-down, so they would see the piranhas frowns as smiles. She should have known Mr. J wouldn't take kindly to any editorializing of his jokes – he wasn't a man who accepted criticism with good grace. He hadn't even seemed to care at the time that he had almost killed her, although he had left a flower by her bedside wishing her a speedy recovery. That had melted Harley's heart a little, but the more she brooded on what he had done, the angrier she had gotten. She loved the Joker madly, but he needed to understand the seriousness of what he had done so that he wouldn't do it again. Not that Harley would ever try to kill Batman again – she had learned her lesson about that. And now the Joker needed to learn his lesson too. This wasn't a joke, and Harley wasn't laughing. Their relationship was tit-for-tat, and since Joker had hurt her like this, Harley was going to see that he wasn't laughing about it either.

She heard a commotion outside her room in Arkham, and then her cell door was thrown open and the Joker strode in, honking a clown horn and beaming. "Here's the clown, come to cheer up the patient!" he said. "I'm busting you outta here, dollface!"

Harley just glared at him. "Every bone in my body's kinda been shattered, so I ain't going nowhere since I can't move," she snapped.

"That's ok, pooh – your adoring Mr. J will carry you!" he chuckled. "It'll be all old-movie style romantic…"

"You come near me, and I'll beat you with my crutches," retorted Harley. "I can just barely move my arms, but the adrenaline will kick in, I'm sure."

"Oooh, I've missed your dirty talk, cupcake!" giggled Joker.

"You just don't get it, do you, creep?" demanded Harley. "I don't wanna go anywhere with you! And I really don't wanna see you right now, if ever again, so just beat it, would ya?"

"Aw, it's good to see you ain't lost your sense of humor, cupcake, even all beat up like this," cooed Joker, patting her bandaged head. "Now c'mon, let Mr. J get you outta this dump, like you got me outta this dump three years ago…"

"Don't touch me!" shrieked Harley, batting his arm away suddenly. "I ain't in the mood for your crap, Mr. J! I ain't in the mood for any gag, or any game, or any joke! I just want you gone! And the last thing I want you to do is to remind me of the huge mistake I made three years ago! I shoulda seen then the kinda man you were! You're a monster, and a liar, and I've wasted three years of my life loving you! I ain't gonna waste any more!"

Joker stared at her, stunned. "Pumpkin pie…I don't understand…if this is about me shoving you outta the window, I sent you a rose…"

"And you think some stupid flower is enough to forgive all of this, do you?" demanded Harley, gesturing at herself. "Look at me, Mr. J! You did this to me! You shattered every bone in my body, and you just waltz in here thinking everything's gonna be all right just because you got me a rose?!"

"But…but you love violence, pooh!" protested Joker. "That's why we're so good together! And this…well, I admit it's a bit more than I usually go for, and I was really mad at you at the time, but that's all in the past! It's over now, and we always just shake these things off! We've had our scrapes and fights before, and you've wounded me just as much as I've wounded you…"

"Not just as much!" snapped Harley. "I've never sent you to the hospital! I've never broken every bone in your body! I've never…lied…"

She trailed off, choking on a sob, Batman's words ringing in her ears. "You lied to me," she whispered, raising her tear-stained eyes to him. "When I was your shrink here, you told me things, secret things I thought you'd never told anyone. But Batman…Batman told me they weren't true. They were all lies, and you had a million of 'em that you'd told to a million others before me. Like all comedians, you use whatever material you think the audience will like. And for me, it was the abusive sob story, wasn't it, Mr. J? You thought I was a nice, sympathetic kinda gal, so you told me what you thought would get me to pity you the most. And it did. You manipulated me from the beginning, you just used me to bust outta Arkham, you…"

She choked on another sob. "How could you?" she whispered. "I thought I was different, Mr. J. I thought I was special. I thought…what we had…was real. But it was all built on a foundation of lies. How can anything be real starting out like that?"

Joker just looked at her. Then he sat down on the foot of the bed, honking the clown horn again and looking down at it. "Look, kid," he said, gently. "I did lie. But I didn't know you were different back then. Starting out, I… _did_ use you. You were just another shrink – how was I supposed to know you were special, or that I could trust you with the truth about my past even if I remembered it? Which I don't, by the way. But the shrinks didn't wanna hear that, so I always made up different stories for them…it was like a game I played, to entertain myself. And you're right, I told 'em all what they wanted to hear, including you. Three years ago, I didn't know you were any different. I didn't even know if I wanted to keep you around after I busted outta Arkham. But I did. And I do."

"Yeah, you want your little punching bag back," muttered Harley. "So you can give her more abuse and more lies. Any other woman in the world would have given up long ago. And I was always a fairly smart girl – I'm actually surprised it's taken me this long to see it. To see you, as you truly are."

"You know who I truly am," he retorted. "You knew even all those years ago. But you told me you thought I was perfect, that you didn't want me to change, that I was the man you loved."

"And you told me your Mom ran away and your Dad used to beat you," retorted Harley. "Guess we both lied to each other, huh, Mr. J?"

"You mean…you don't love me?" he asked, quietly.

Harley glared at him. "What kinda nutjob would love a guy who did this to her?" she asked, gesturing at herself again.

Joker shrugged. "My Harley Quinn?" he suggested, hopefully.

Harley was still angry, and she had wanted to carry on the harsh treatment of Joker for much, much longer. It was only fair, after what he had done. But she couldn't suppress the warm glow of happiness that suffused her heart at the Joker's hopeful face gazing at her, wanting her to come back. She never could have imagined at the beginning of their relationship that she would ever see the look of desperate wanting in his eyes. But she wasn't about to let him know she'd forgiven him just yet. So she shrugged, wincing in pain at the action, and muttered. "Yeah, maybe her."

Joker beamed. "C'mon, pooh, lemme get you outta here," he said, taking her hand. "Lemme take you back to the hideout, and I'll run you a bath, and you'll be well on the road to recovery. I'll have the guys clear out for the night, and it'll be just you and me."

"And what kinda romance are you expecting with me like this?" asked Harley.

"Well, we don't have to have any kinda romance," he said. "Maybe we could just…cuddle."

Harley stared at him. "Cuddle?" she repeated. "You're the Joker – you don't cuddle!"

He shrugged. "Well, you having all your bones broken, me cuddling – this way we'll both be trying new things we really don't like! Fair's fair, after all!"

Harley studied him carefully. "If I had any kinda sense whatsoever, I'd tell you to get lost and that I never wanted to see your face again. I'd resolve to reform myself and go back to a decent life as a shrink, find a nice guy, and settle down with the family I've always wanted."

Joker gazed back at her with that same pleading look in his eyes, and she grinned. "Lucky for you I'm crazy as a loon," she said, throwing the covers off.

Joker grinned back, picking her up gently in his arms. "You gotta promise me, though, Mr. J," she murmured, staring into his eyes. "I never wanna end up like this again. You don't ever cross this line with the violence again, or I'm gone forever, I swear it."

"I promise, pooh," said Joker, nodding. "I mean, you're not gonna try to kill Bats again, so I dunno what I'd ever have to get this upset about!"

"Yeah, you really go to extreme lengths to show Bats you care," sighed Harley.

"Hey, I'd shove anyone who'd try to kill you outta twenty storeys too," said Joker, shrugging.

"Really, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.

He nodded, carrying her out of the cell to the sound of alarms ringing. These continued to be ignored though - Joker had slaughtered all the guards on duty, and the police traditionally had a slow response time to alarms at Arkham.

"Sure I would! Nobody hurts my doll except me," he said, kissing her forehead. "And nobody tries to kill or seriously injure her except me either."

"Aw, puddin', you know just what to say to a gal!" sighed Harley, snuggling against his chest and listening to his heartbeat. Here in his arms, she felt safe again, even though those same arms had been the ones to push her out of the window. That was the thing about Mr. J – he was unpredictable. But Harley loved that about him too, along with everything else. She was the Joker's doll, after all – she was used to a little pain.

And doll was close enough to girlfriend, she thought, shutting her eyes. Though maybe he'd say the G word in time. _Baby steps_ she reminded herself. _Baby steps._


	4. Chapter 4

**Six Years Later**

It had been the final straw. After years and years of ups and downs, fights and affection, breakups and reunions, the Joker had finally crossed the line again.

It had started out innocently enough, at least in Harley's mind. She had largely enjoyed her time with Mr. J battling the Bat night after night, but there came a time when a gal wanted more. Harley's female biological urges had become more and more insistent, and one night she had decided to sit Joker down and have a serious talk with him about starting a family.

She really should have known that the Joker wasn't the type of man who enjoyed serious talks, especially when they proposed changing fundamental things about his life. And despite Harley's insistence that he'd be a great father if he gave himself the chance, Joker flatly refused to discuss anything of the kind. And the more Harley insisted, the more angry he became, until at last he ended the discussion by shoving her away…and out another window.

This one wasn't as high as the last, but as Harley hit the ground with a bump, her illusions shattered just like the pieces of glass that lay strewn about her. The Joker would never change. And if she ever wanted to actually have kids, she wouldn't be getting them from him. She had to choose to continue to waste her life with this man who had just broken his promise never to hurt her like that again…or to leave him forever and find her own bit of happiness without him.

The choice hurt more than the pain in her body, but she made it. That night she grabbed the few things she wanted from the hideout and left. She had done this before every so often, so the Joker wasn't worried – he expected her to return within a few days, after she had had a good cry and calmed down. But she didn't come back this time.

Which the Joker was relieved about, of course, he reminded himself. The little brat had held him back for far too long, always nagging and begging him for crap. She was never satisfied by their relationship – she had always wanted more. More affection, more sex, and now this kid thing – he was glad she was gone. The ungrateful dame had turned his life upside-down for far too long – he had let a bit of fun get way out of hand. But now it was over, and good riddance to it too.

It was an unpleasant surprise a week later then when Harley re-entered the hideout. "So, you've come crawling back, huh?" sneered Joker. "Well, can't say I'm surprised, and you're lucky I'm in a generous mood today. As long as you're here you'd better get back to work…"

"I ain't come back, Mr. J," interrupted Harley, glaring at him coldly as her friend Poison Ivy followed her inside. "I'm just here to collect the babies."

"And what makes you think they belong to you?" demanded Joker. "I stole them fair and square!"

"For me!" retorted Harley. "They were a Christmas gift for me! You gave 'em to me, so that makes 'em mine! Bud, Lou, c'mon, babies!" she called.

"Don't even think about it!" said Ivy, leaping protectively in front of Harley as Joker raised a hand to strike her. "Harley brought me with her because she knew you'd cause trouble and she didn't want you beating her again!"

"And because I knew the beatings would end with us in bed together," sighed Harley. "My will's weak, Red."

"Yeah, but I was really trying not to think about that part, Harl," muttered Ivy.

"Babies, c'mon!" called Harley again, looking around. "What have you done with them, Mr. J?"

"I ain't done nothing with 'em!" snapped Joker. "They're outside as usual!"

"Why are they outside when it's raining and cold?" demanded Harley. "They could freeze to death! Don't you care about them at all?"

"They're wild animals!" retorted Joker. "They're used to being outside!"

"They're from Africa!" shouted Harley. "It's hot there! Ain't you ever seen _The Lion King_?! I'll admit I hate the anti-hyena propaganda in that movie, but you get a good sense of the climate!"

Harley hurried to the back door to let the hyenas in while Ivy continued to glare at Joker. The hyenas raced inside, shivering and whining as they shook the rain out of their coats and began licking Harley gratefully.

"Aw, that dumb clown abuses you too, just like he abuses me, doesn't he, babies?" cooed Harley, petting them. "Well, c'mon, you're coming home with Mommy, and you'll never have to see him again."

"Oh no, you don't!" snapped Joker, grabbing Bud's leash. "I need 'em tonight for my latest scheme against Batsy! He's gonna be their chew toy in a caper I've called 'Kibbles 'n Bats!'"

"Our babies are not tools for your stupid schemes!" snapped Harley. "And frankly I'm kinda glad now we ain't having kids since you'd probably mistreat our real babies the same way you do our fur babies!"

They began tugging Bud's leash in between them as Lou barked, running back and forth between Joker and Harley and whining.

"Harley, just take the other one!" snapped Ivy, pointing at Lou. "And leave J with his! That way it's even – you split them!"

"We can't split them up!" exclaimed Harley. "They're brothers! They've never been apart from each other, not even when they were puppies!"

"Yeah, but things change!" retorted Ivy, pulling Harley away and shoving Lou's leash into her hands. "Especially during a breakup! Sometimes you gotta compromise on property and furniture and pets!"

Harley nodded slowly, trying to tug Lou away. "C'mon, baby," she said, but Lou kept barking, straining and whining to get back to his brother, who tugged on his own leash that Joker held firmly.

"Look at 'em, Red!" sobbed Harley, tears in her eyes as she gazed at the hyenas choking themselves to get back to each other. "We can't separate 'em – it'll kill 'em!"

"Oh, for God's sake, Harley, they're just dumb animals!" shouted Ivy. "You can't let them control you! Just take charge, for once in your life!"

Harley glared at Joker. "No," she muttered. "I got a better idea."

She released Lou's leash, and he dashed over to Bud, nuzzling him affectionately. Harley then stormed over to a drawer and took out a roll of masking tape. She pulled off a strip, and then stuck it down on the floor in the middle of the hideout.

"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Joker.

"We're split up," retorted Harley, continuing to stick tape down. "Which means all our stuff should be divided equally between us. Including the babies, and including our hideout."

" _Our_ hideout?" repeated Joker. "This is _my_ property, toots! Always has been!"

"Legally it ain't yours!" snapped Harley. "You didn't pay for it! I got just as much claim to it as you have!"

"I've lived here longer!" shouted Joker. "You're just a little gatecrasher!"

"You try kicking me out!" shrieked Harley. "Go ahead, creep! With Red here, we can definitely take you! And if you wanna be fighting fit for your battle with the Bat tonight, you'd better not try to take us, and just deal with it!"

Joker glared at her, hands shaking as they balled into fists. "I don't have time for this!" he snapped, throwing up his hands. "I'm a busy man and I got places to go and Batmen to battle! Just stay in your half of the hideout and don't even think about crossing over into mine, or I'll have my guard-hyena tear you a new one!" he shouted, pointing at Bud, who was wagging his tail happily and cuddling his brother on the other side of the line.

"Fine by me! Jerk," muttered Harley as Joker stormed off to his study, slamming the door shut after him.

"Harley, this is a terrible idea," said Ivy, bluntly. "You know the more you're around him, you're just gonna fall back into your old pattern and habit of forgiving him and bowing to his will."

"Not this time, Red," said Harley, firmly. "If it's a choice between that dumb clown or my potential kiddies, my potential kiddies win every time."

"Good to have a dream, I guess," sighed Ivy.

"Still, if you wanna hang around just to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't relent, I'd appreciate it," said Harley. "This hideout's big enough for both of us, even being cut in two."

"I have my own hideout," retorted Ivy. "And I don't have any desire to share a space with the clown for any length of time. But I guess staying for a couple days can't hurt."

"Great," said Harley, hugging her. "I wanna make this split official, so I figure we should invite all the other rogues over so they can witness it. Don't want things to be awkward between all of us, and I don't want people taking sides, so if we show everyone that we can handle this break-up in a calm, rational, mature manner, like adults, I'm sure that'll make it easier for everyone."

" _Can_ J handle this in a calm, rational, mature manner?" demanded Ivy. "Judging by that hyena spat, I'm betting no."

"He's gonna have to," retorted Harley. "He's got no one to baby him now that I'm gone. He's just gonna have to grow up."

Easier said than done, thought Ivy. And while she admired Harley's optimism that her and the Joker's split could be rational and mature, she very highly doubted it would be.


	5. Chapter 5

"Take a pamphlet," said Ivy, as the Arkham regulars trailed through the front door of Joker and Harley's hideout. "Harvey, take two."

"Pamphlet?" repeated Two-Face, as he obeyed her. Both of his faces looked confused. "Why the hell would we need pamphlets for a meeting? The whole point of meetings is so we don't have to read – we can just listen!"

"Harley wanted everyone to have the information written down to make sure you understand, and contact numbers in case you all have questions," said Ivy, dryly. "She's expecting this to be a really big deal for you all."

Two-Face glanced down at the title of the pamphlet, which read _It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Hurt: Joker and Harley's Break-up – What You Need to Know_ and had a picture of the two of them torn in half on the cover. "Aw, not this farce again," he muttered.

"She's serious this time, Harvey," insisted Ivy. "They're over for good."

"I'll believe it when I see it," retorted Two-Face, taking a seat inside. "But I got this crazy feeling that they're over for good just like we're over for good, Pammie."

Ivy glared after him. "Johnny, Jervis, pamphlet," she said, as Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch entered next.

"What a load of nonsense," muttered Tetch. "How stupid do they think we are, that we'll fall for this break-up story again?"

"Hope springs eternal, Jervis," replied Crane. "And Harley's not an idiot. She was bound to wake up and see how bad the Joker was for her sometime."

"It's not a question of waking up," retorted Tetch. "Harley's not stupid, as you say. She hasn't been sleeping through her relationship, and even if she has, that doesn't make it any less real, anymore than Alice was less real than if she was in the Red King's dream…"

"What's your point?" interrupted Crane.

"My point is Harley knows how objectively bad this relationship is for her," retorted Tetch. "And if she's still continued in it for all these years, there must be something deeper that's keeping her in it, something that we can't see or understand. And whatever that is, it's not just going to disappear overnight like this."

"I thought we were here for a meeting!" exclaimed Edward Nygma, glancing at the pamphlet. "Not some daytime talkshow drama!"

"Hmm, yes, perhaps we will get the full daytime talkshow experience," commented Oswald Cobblepot. "Throwing chairs and fistfights and whatever kind of brutish behavior passes for entertainment these days."

"At least that might be fun to watch," snapped Scarface. "I only came along because I'm hoping for some real action like that, although this dummy wanted to support Harley in her break-up," he muttered, gesturing to the Ventriloquist.

"Some people will do anything for attention," sighed Clayface. "Including a big, messy, public break-up. What a couple of hams."

"You're just mad you didn't think of it first," retorted Two-Face.

"Thank you all for coming," said Harley, suddenly, appearing from her half of the hideout. She approached a podium which had been set up on her half, nodding at the still empty podium on the Joker's half. "As usual, my ex-boyfriend is late – he always did put everything else before me, so this isn't a rare occurrence. But you'd think he could at least be on the time for the formal annulment of our relationship – it's the last time he's going to have to see me, after all…"

"I'll believe that when I see it!" snapped Joker, emerging from his study suddenly. "You're still squatting in my hideout, toots! I'll never be rid of your ugly mug or your nagging presence!"

Harley glared at him. "After this meeting, Mr. J, I'm moving out of here and into my own place. Sharing our hideout was never a long-term solution, so you can have it. Red's right - I'll never be able to move on while I'm constantly living in your shadow. I've set up a visiting schedule for the sharing of the babies so they split their time between us – that's what divorced people with children do, and it seems to work," she said, handing him a piece of paper.

Joker batted it away. "What are you, nuts?" he demanded. "I ain't sharing the dumb mutts with you! My caper's over, so you can have 'em! They're more trouble than they're worth, just like you!"

"I'm glad you can dismiss them as easily as you could our hypothetical real children, you heartless monster," muttered Harley, wiping tears from her eyes. "But I don't want this split to be awkward for any of our friends," she said, gesturing to the audience. "Mr. J and I are going to work things out in a rational, calm, mature manner…"

"The hell we are!" snapped Joker. "I ain't doing anything of the sort! As far as I'm concerned, this is war, and all of you have to take sides! So what'll it be, Harley or me?"

There was a murmuring among the visitors, and then a unanimous reply of, "Harley."

Joker glared at them all. "Fine, you buncha ingrates!" he snapped. "Who needs you?! I don't, and I don't need some stupid little henchwench who should be damn grateful she interested me as long as she did, and that I haven't killed her yet! But all that's gonna change – from now on, she's fair game! And if any one of you ungrateful losers wants to get back in my good books, you'll try to kill her too!"

"Or, y'know, you could all always work with me," said Harley, nodding. "Since I'm striking out on my own. From now on, Harley Quinn will be a supervillain in her own right, running her own gang…"

"Yeah, and where are you gonna get your own gang, toots?" demanded Joker. "Don't expect none of my boys to turn traitor!"

"Actually, I'm already in talks with some of 'em," snapped Harley. "I'm offering them a raise in salary, and an insurance plan…"

"You'll never take 'em from me – I'll kill 'em first, just like I'll kill you for trying!" interrupted Joker. "Which ones have you been talking to, huh?"

Harley remained silent, and Joker's eyes widened in horror. "Not…not Rocco!" he stammered. "Roc!" he shouted to the henchman at the back. "You wouldn't leave me for this pathetic little pretender, would you, not after all our years together?!"

"Boss, please don't drag me into this," stammered Rocco, looking uncomfortable. "This is something you and Harley have gotta work out…"

"She ain't taking you from me!" shouted Joker. "I'll kill her before I let her take you! What, you think you can just bat those big blue eyes at my guys and they'll come running?" he demanded, rounding on Harley. "They're loyal, toots, and loyalty is something money can't buy! Not that you'd know anything about that, you treacherous little slut!"

"I'm offering Rocco paid leave," said Harley, calmly. "I know how important his daughter is to him, so I'm giving him a couple months off to really reconnect with her. Family's so important, ain't it, Roc?" she said, glaring at Joker. "If only some people could just wake up and see that."

"Yeah, this is in no way awkward for any of us," muttered Two-Face, shaking his head. "Harley, did you really need to call us here if all you're gonna do is make passive-aggressive comments?"

"Yeah, you can't even make plain aggressive comments, you little coward!" roared Joker.

"You want aggressive? I got your aggressive right here!" shrieked Harley, raising a fist and about to launch herself at Joker.

Ivy stepped in between them. "Harley! He's not worth it! Be the better person!"

Harley drew a deep breath, lowering her fist and glaring at Joker. She forced a smile and turned back to the audience. "So I've got our separate contact info in the pamphlet, along with a few other things…"

"Did you really make Harley dress up as Batman for sexual roleplay?" asked Clayface, reading it aloud.

"No comment!" roared Joker.

"And is this true about your manhood…" began Two-Face.

"No comment!" shouted Joker, grabbing the pamphlet away from him. "But no, it's not! It's called the Big J for a reason!"

"Size don't matter, Mr. J – it's how you use it," muttered Harley.

"Oh, you never had any complaints!" shouted Joker. "You shoulda seen her on her knees begging for it time after time…"

"We did," said Riddler, dryly. "We were all in Arkham with you."

"She's just sore that she can't have it anymore, so she's written down a buncha lies and propaganda!" snapped Joker. "Well, I got my own share of embarrassing Harley stories! She makes vrooming noises in bed!"

"Shut up, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, racing at him again.

"Harley!" shouted Ivy, grabbing her and dragging her away. "Let's just finish the meeting, and then you can attack him!"

Harley regained control of herself with massive effort, forcing another smile. "Does anybody have any questions?" she asked.

Crane raised his hand. "Yes, when will you be considering dating again?"

He was elbowed by Tetch. "It's a valid question!" Crane snapped.

"Oh, I dunno, Johnny – it'll probably take some time," said Harley, nodding. "I tend to fall hard when I fall, as we all know, and I don't wanna give my heart away again until I'm strong enough to face the fall. Which will probably take a while, considering this creep kept trying to break me."

"Yeah, and that made you stronger!" snapped Joker. "That's what pain does! Shoulda known though – shoulda known if I helped you get strong by inflicting pain on you, you would grow to get all uppity and think you were too good for me! After everything I've done for you, and this is how you repay me?! Is there no gratitude?!"

"Gratitude? For what?" repeated Harley. "For causing me pain, time and time again? For beating me and insulting me and disrespecting me? For not even being able to rationally discuss having children with me, and instead just shoving me outta a window which you promised never to do again?!"

"Listen to me, you little brat!" he roared. "I don't have to keep my promises to you, and I definitely don't have to discuss something so stupid and impossible with you! Our kids are not gonna happen, so just get that through your thick skull! And you wanna know why?! Because you're not worthy to bear my children! I'm the Joker, the greatest criminal genius who ever lived, and you're just some dumb blonde floozy, just a bit of fun I picked up in Arkham a few years ago! You're a desperate, pathetic little shrink, who woulda never amounted to anything if I hadn't taken control of you, and my kids can do a lot better than you for a mother, you weak, stupid little waste of space! Because you'd be a terrible mother, just like you're a terrible criminal, a terrible shrink who was stupid enough to fall for my games, and a terrible everything! I ain't gonna pollute my perfect Joker genes with some dumb blonde – genius and stupid don't go together! So go find some pathetic guy who wants an incompetent little idiot to have his children, but that ain't ever gonna be me!"

There was silence at this onslaught, and Harley just stared at Joker with tears in her eyes. Then she gave a sob and raced from the room, her wails echoing after her.

"Just get outta here, everyone," muttered Joker, storming off. "Meeting's over. And get rid of these stupid pamphlets!" he growled, tossing his over his shoulder.

"Please give Harley my deepest condolences, Pamela," said Crane as everyone filed out of the hideout. "And please tell her she can always talk to me if she needs a friend…"

"Thanks, Johnny, but I've already got her all set up on a date," said Ivy.

"What?" demanded Crane, annoyed. "But she said she wasn't ready…"

"She doesn't know about it yet," retorted Ivy. "But the best way for her to get over the clown is to find someone else and move on as soon as possible."

"And you didn't think to ask me?" demanded Crane. "In case you weren't aware, I'm very interested in Harley!"

"Yeah, that's pretty obvious, Johnny," retorted Ivy. "Everybody kinda knows, except Harley, miraculously. But she needs someone new. A fresh start for this part of her life. No offense, but you're not exactly new. Or fresh. By which I mean that you're old, not that you smell or anything…"

"I'm not that old!" snapped Crane.

"I just think it might be good for her to start over again with just a regular, nice, young guy, not a supercriminal," said Ivy. "It's nothing personal. I just think if she really wants kids, she needs to give up this crazy criminal lifestyle and settle down with someone…well…normal."

"Do you think Harley wants normal?" demanded Crane.

"After Joker?" said Ivy. "Wouldn't you?"

Crane sighed heavily. "Fine," he snapped. "But if it doesn't work out with him, please tell me I'm next on the list!"

"Uh…well…you're not last," said Ivy.

He glared at her. "I suppose I should just be grateful for that," he muttered, storming off.


	6. Chapter 6

"I need a name, Roc!" roared the Joker, throwing a stapler across the room. Rocco ducked to avoid it, and it collided with the wall above his head. "What the hell is the point of you being a spy for me in Harley's gang if you can't even provide me with the most basic thing?! I need a name, and preferably an address!"

"I don't got one, boss!" protested Rocco. "She never talks about him!"

"Good!" said Joker, brightening instantly. "That means it's not serious!"

Rocco shook his head. "It ain't, boss – they've only seen each other a couple times, and I've been watching 'em the whole time, just like you told me to. Nothing funny went on at all – not even a kiss. They just talked and laughed and looked like they were having a nice time, that's all."

"A couple times, eh?" murmured Joker, examining the pen he had been using to draw his plans. "That's twice, huh, Rocco?"

"Uh…yes, sir, that's what a couple means," replied Rocco, slowly.

"So you know what tonight is, doncha?" asked Joker, quietly.

"Uh…no. What, boss?" asked Rocco.

Joker said nothing, but suddenly slammed the pen down into the table in front of him, grinding it down through the wood. "It means it's the third date!" he roared. "And you know what that means?!"

"Uh…no…" stammered Rocco. "What's it mean, boss?"

"It means that Mr. Romeo is gonna try to put a move on my dame!" roared Joker. "He's gonna try to run all the bases tonight and score a home run! I ain't gonna let it happen, Roc!"

"Well…gee…boss…what are you gonna do about it?" asked Rocco, slowly.

"What am I gonna do about it?" repeated Joker. "I'm gonna see to it that this little charade stops now! Little Miss Independent wants to move on and run her own gang and get a new boyfriend, does she? Well, she's gonna learn that I ain't so easy to get rid of! I ain't gonna stand for just being tossed aside like an old glove!"

"But boss…didn't you break up with her?" asked Rocco, slowly. "I thought you threw her outta the window because you didn't want kids…"

"Yeah, but that don't mean she can just waltz off and start a new, happy life without me!" snapped Joker. "She still belongs to me, whether she likes it or not! It's like our years together don't count for anything, Roc!"

"Well…when you break up with someone, boss…they kinda don't," said Rocco, slowly. "Separations are painful and messy. When me and Carla divorced, she took everything from me, all of our stuff, and even our kid. It's hard being the one who gets left, and who moves on last. And it's anything but fun."

"Hey, I could move on too if I wanted to!" snapped Joker. "I could snap my fingers and a buncha dames would come running! I'm an attractive, irresistible guy for the ladies!"

"Sure, boss," agreed Rocco. "So…uh…why ain't ya moved on?"

"Because unlike that little tart, I've got respect for tradition!" snapped Joker. "Sure, I could go out and find another gal anytime I want, but Harley's always been the Joker's doll! And I ain't gonna let that little brat ruin that joke just because she don't think it's funny anymore!"

He nodded firmly. "And you're right, Rocco. This ain't fun. And I've had just about enough of things not being fun around here. I ain't gonna tolerate it anymore!"

He picked up his gun, cane, and a few gag items, and then headed for the door. "C'mon. Take me to Harley's place. We're gonna crash this date."

"I don't think that's a good idea, boss," said Rocco, slowly. "I mean, if you really wanna win her back, surely it'd be better to try to apologize later…"

"I don't wanna win her back!" snapped Joker, angrily. "I'm gonna _take_ her back! She's my property, Roc! Always has been and always will be! And I'll be damned before I let some other guy occupy my property!"

"But boss, you can't drag her back here against her will!" exclaimed Rocco.

"Why not?" demanded Joker. "She belongs to me! I created her, which makes her mine! I'm gonna drag her back here and command her to stop all this nonsense about having her own gang and moving on and wanting kids, and she'll do what she's told, because she always does! You'll see, Roc."

Rocco shook his head, a feeling of dread in his heart as he followed Joker out. "Yeah, boss," he murmured. "I _will_ see."

…

"C'mon, babies, please cheer up and be friendly this time," said Harley Quinn to her hyenas. They lounged forlornly on the floor of her bedroom, whining and begging her with pleading eyes. "I know you miss Daddy, but Daddy's gone," she said firmly, as she pulled on a dress and began to apply her makeup. "Daddy's gone," she repeated, quieter, as she put on her lipstick in the mirror. And then her eyes narrowed in resolution. "And good riddance to him too!" she snapped. "You heard what that dumb jerk said at that meeting! I'm just grateful I didn't waste any more of my life tied to that selfish creep!"

The hyenas whined again, lowering their heads and looking glum. "This one's a nice guy," continued Harley. "That's what Red keeps saying, and he really is, y'know. Sweet, friendly, thoughtful…would be good Daddy material. That's what I need to be thinking about now – I want someone responsible, who could be a good Daddy, not like that…dumb…clown…"

She wiped her eyes. "Aw, criminey, my mascara's running," she muttered, glaring in the mirror. "That was one good thing about Mr. J – never had to dress to impress him. He never cared how I looked, whether I made an effort to doll myself up or…just looked like crap. I was…his Harley…and that's how he always saw me."

She teared up again, and the hyenas padded over to her, nuzzling around her legs and whimpering. "Oh, babies, I'm doing this for our own good," she murmured, petting them. "We'll be better off without him in the long run. You'll see," she said, with more confidence than she felt. "Everybody's always told me that, time and time again, and everybody can't be wrong."

The hyenas shared a look, and then just sighed, slouching down onto the floor again and whining.

The front doorbell rang, and Harley stood up. "That'll be him," she said. "Just be nice, babies."

The hyenas followed her out of the room as Harley opened the front door. "Hi, c'mon in!" she said, smiling at the young, attractive man standing outside holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Thanks, Harley," he said. "These are for you," he said, handing them to her.

"Aw, thanks, they're beautiful!" said Harley. "But don't tell Red you got me flowers, huh? She'll accuse you of murder!"

He laughed as he followed her inside. "You remember the babies?" she said, gesturing to the hyenas as she got a vase for the flowers.

"Hi, boys," said the man, smiling and reaching down to pet them. The hyenas growled, baring their hackles, and began snapping at his outstretched hand.

"Babies!" snapped Harley, grabbing their collars and dragging them away. "I told you to behave! Sorry about them," she said, pulling them into her room and slamming the door. "They're just missing their Daddy."

"Yeah, I hear animals keep loving people even if they treat 'em bad," said the man, nodding. "At least some people are smart enough to see sense and get outta harmful relationships. And I'm really glad you were one of those people, Harley."

Harley managed a smile. "Yeah…eventually," she agreed. "I mean, mostly I enjoyed the harm and the fights and the violence…but there comes a time when a gal just wants more outta life, y'know? And he made it very clear when we last spoke that he don't want anything more outta life. At least…not with me."

Tears came to her eyes again, and she wiped them away hurriedly. "So…uh…take-out ok with you? I thought we could maybe get some Chinese and watch a movie."

"Sounds perfect," said the man. "Though I'm not a huge fan of Chinese food – maybe pizza instead?"

"Yeah, good idea," agreed Harley. "Chinese is what me and Mr. J…used to get…and then he'd…balance the noodles on his lip and do his racist impression of a Chinese stereotype…"

"That sounds just plain offensive," replied the man. "Not very funny at all."

"Uh…no, it wasn't," agreed Harley. "Still always made me laugh, though…never mind. You like comedy movies? Think I need something really funny to cheer me up."

"I love comedies," said the man, nodding. "Just nothing too slapstick. I really don't think violence is very funny."

"No violence, no offensiveness," said Harley nodding. "Got it. You're really respectful of other people, huh? Their differences and pain ain't something to be laughed at."

"No, they aren't," agreed the man. "What kind of twisted mind finds that kinda stuff funny?"

"Well, not a good role model for kiddies, that's for sure," said Harley, nodding. "Pepperoni ok for the pizza?"

"Actually, I'm a vegetarian," said the man. "So maybe just a cheese pizza."

"Oh…great," said Harley, slowly. "Sounds…uh…exciting." She cleared her throat. "If you…uh…had kids…you wouldn't raise them vegetarian too, would you?"

"I'd certainly try," replied the man. "It's important for kids to learn from an early age that we share this planet equally with all living things, including animals. And they deserve our respect."

"Yeah, they do," agreed Harley. "But it's also important for kiddies to eat healthy…"

"And you can certainly do that without meat," retorted the man. "Humans are not naturally carnivorous, you know. We're not hyenas."

"No," agreed Harley. "No, we're not. Speaking of which, just gotta feed the fur babies…uh…you might wanna go into the other room while I get the meat out for them."

"I can cope with the sight of it, don't worry," said the man. "But you might consider trying to train them to cut out meat from their diet too."

"Yeah, I…might," agreed Harley, heading into the kitchen. She picked up the hyenas' bowls and dumped in two big slabs of meat.

The hyenas had been scratching at the door when Harley opened it, and they began barking loudly at her. "I know you heard – don't worry," muttered Harley, putting down their bowls. "Whatever happens, I won't let him turn you vegetarian."

She shut the door again, heading back into the living room. The hyenas snorted, burying their faces in their bowls. And then they raised their heads, yipping excitedly, as they recognized a familiar face at the bedroom window.

"Jesus, how does Bats…do that?" gasped Joker, who had been pulling himself up the wall of the hideout with a rope, and now collapsed into the room. "I guess it helps when you get to take a break in your climb when a celebrity appears out the window. You ok down there, Roc?" he called.

"Yeah…I'll leave you to it, boss!" called back the henchman. "This is something you and Harley should sort out privately!"

"Suit yourself," retorted Joker. He turned and was immediately pounced upon by the hyenas, who knocked him to the ground and began licking him vigorously, whining happily.

"Yeah, yeah, get offa me, you mutts!" snapped Joker, shoving them away. "Where's your ungrateful little owner and her would-be paramour?"

The hyenas raced over to the door and began barking and scratching again. "Ok, I get it, shut up!" snapped Joker, shoving them out of the way and bending down to look through the keyhole into the living room.

Harley had just placed the pizza order and sat down on the sofa next to the man, who had turned on the TV. Joker watched them both through gritted teeth, studying the handsome young man next to her. "So that's the kinda boring, straight-laced, male model kinda guy you wanna father your children, is it, Harl?" he muttered, under his breath. "I ain't good enough for you no more, is that how it is?"

The hyenas whined again. "Yes, I know I kicked her out – that's beside the point!" snapped Joker, rounding on them. "This is who she picks if she's got a choice! Somebody totally different from me! Just goes to show she didn't really ever love me after all. She's just like every other dame – going for good looks and superficial charm over style and substance. Well, if pretty boy there thinks he can just waltz in here and steal my doll, he's got another think coming! I ain't gonna…"

He trailed off, his jaw dropping in horror as he watched the man yawn, stretch, and drop his arm around Harley's shoulder. "Oh no," Joker hissed, furiously. "Oh no, you are not stealing my move! That's a patented Joker trick, kid, tried and tested! Harley ain't gonna be stupid enough to fall for that from some other guy…"

He trailed off again as Harley cuddled closer to the man, raising her face up to look at him. He drew closer, bringing his lips down towards hers…and Joker completely lost it.

With a roar, he threw open the door, racing into the room with his cane raised above his head and striking the man a hard blow to the face which caused blood to spurt everywhere.

"Get your filthy hands offa my girlfriend!" Joker shouted, continuing to beat him mercilessly.

Harley was too stunned to react for a moment, but when she did, it was furiously. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Mr. J?!" she shrieked, grabbing his arm and preventing him from bringing his cane down again. "How dare you break into my hideout and spy on me?! What makes you think you have the right to do that?!"

"Because you're mine, toots!" snapped Joker, rounding on her. "You're my property, and I have every right to defend my property! And if you think I'm gonna let some random creep paw my dame, you're dumber than you look!"

"News flash, jerk!" shrieked Harley. "We broke up! I don't belong to you no more!"

"Of course you do!" he shouted. "You always have! You're my Harley Quinn! And you're stopping all this independent, new boyfriend nonsense and coming home right now!" he said, firmly. He grabbed her around the waist and tossed her over his shoulder, ignoring her screams of protest. Harley struggled against him as he headed for the door, and then kicked him suddenly in the crotch.

He gasped, falling to his knees. "Jesus, right in the babymaker!" he gasped, cupping his groin. "I thought you wanted kids, you dumb blonde! Why would you hurt me there of all places?!"

"Because you made it very clear that I wouldn't be having your kids!" screamed Harley, clambering off him. "And so I ain't coming back, Mr. J! We're finished, done, through! We're over forever! Permanently broke up! This is an ex-relationship! I don't know how much clearer I can make it! You ain't the most important thing in my life no more! So just grow up and get used to it!"

She raced over to see to her date, who was struggling to his feet. "You ok, Guy?" she asked.

"Doncha even know his name?" demanded Joker.

"His name is Guy!" snapped Harley, glaring at him.

Joker stared at her. "Seriously? You're trying to replace me with someone called Guy?! What kinda stupid name is that?!"

"Says someone called the Joker!" snapped Guy.

"That name's got class!" retorted Joker. "Something dumb Guy here don't know anything about! He stole my move – that ain't a classy thing to do!"

"Your move?" repeated Guy, cupping his bleeding nose. "You mean the yawning and putting your arm around her? That's not your move – that's a classic. Some would even call it old and predictable."

"I ain't old or predictable!" retorted Joker. "And I invented that move, pal, probably way before you were even born! You're like twelve, right? You gotta be, because you clearly don't know how to shave!"

"This kinda facial hair is fashionable!" snapped Guy.

"It looks like you were too lazy to shave for a couple days," retorted Joker. "Or that you just woke up after living in a dumpster for a couple days!"

"And you actually think you're in a position to give advice about personal appearance?" asked Guy. "Really? Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.

"It means you're objectively unattractive," retorted Guy. "An ugly, old, hideous clown. Harley can do so much better."

Joker had reached for the flower on his buttonhole, about to give Guy a shave with acid. But Harley beat him to it. She gave Guy a colossal punch to the face, knocking him unconscious in one blow.

"Mr. J ain't ugly," she muttered. "Or old."

"Thank you, pooh," said Joker, beaming at her.

"Don't," she said, holding up a hand as he approached her. "I ain't forgiven you or nothing. I just…don't like people talking about you like that."

She sank down on the sofa, head in her hands. Joker just looked at her, and then sat down next to her. He cleared his throat. "Did you notice I called you my girlfriend?" he asked.

"Yeah, I did," she retorted. "But it's too late for that, Mr. J. I ain't that anymore."

They sat in silence for some time. "You look nice," said Joker at last. "All dolled up like this. You never doll yourself up for me anymore. But you look nicer without all that crap on your face anyway."

Harley ignored him, and he tried again. "Look, kid, what I said at the meeting…" he began.

"Don't try to apologize," interrupted Harley. "You can't for that. I won't accept it."

"Why are you acting like this?" he demanded. "You won't even give me a chance to make things right…"

"No, I won't," interrupted Harley, glaring at him angrily. "I've given you too many chances already. You made your choice, Mr. J – now live with it! And I've made mine! I want my kids, and I _will_ have them! I ain't giving into you this time! Every other fight, you've managed to persuade me to submit to what _you_ want. You've always got everything your way, all the time. Whenever I've got anything I want, it's only by compromising with you. You've never done one unselfish thing for me, one unselfish act of kindness to prove that you love me, while I do everything for you. But this is the one thing I won't relent on. And I know you won't ever relent on anything for me, so this is the way it's gotta be. We gotta be apart. You gotta move on, and so do I. While I still got time to have my kids."

Joker was silent. "You ain't that old," he muttered.

"No," she agreed. "But I gotta make sure I got a nice, stable, solid relationship before I have kids, and that can take time to build up. Kids need a good home, y'know."

"Yeah, I know," he agreed. He cleared his throat again. "Y'know…we kinda got a nice, stable, solid relationship."

Harley gazed at him, incredulous. "Is that a joke?" she asked.

"Nah, think about it," he said. "I mean, sure, we have our little spats and bust-ups. But we're stable in that we know…we'll always work it out. At least, we always used to. There was a nice, kinda dependability in that, y'know. That we'd always work things out and get back together, no matter how bad things seemed. I used to really like that about us. It's like me and Batsy – there's a guy who's always there for me, through thick and thin. And sure, we have our differences, but what I like best about him is how I know he'll always be there to punch my lights out over and over again. It's nice to have that, when your mind is as crazy as mine. Nice to have that kinda stability, when the world's a madhouse."

He shrugged. "And life is hard, y'know. For kids too – growing up is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to do. Fortunately for some of us, that never happened!" he chuckled. "At least, not that we can remember. But it's a rough road to adulthood. There are all kindsa crazy things that happen to you along the way, successes and failures, good times and bad times. And the kinda guy who could really help a kid through life ain't gonna be some popular pretty boy who's never had a bad day in his life. It's gonna be…well, somebody who loses a lot. Who has a lotta failures in his life and still keeps smiling, no matter what. Who ain't always loved or understood by everyone, but who has that special someone who really gets him…or at least, he used to have that anyway."

"Mr. J, this wouldn't be so hard for me if I didn't love you anymore," whispered Harley, shutting her eyes.

He took her hand. "Likewise, toots," he murmured.

She opened her eyes to gaze into his. "Look, I ain't…crazy about the idea of kids," he said, slowly. "But the way I see it…accidents happen sometimes, don't they?"

Harley stared at him, realizing this was the closest he would ever come to telling her he was willing to have children. And that was fine by her.

She beamed at him. "Yeah, Mr. J," she whispered. "They do."

And she threw her arms around his neck, pressing her mouth into his and sobbing in relief at the taste of his kiss. She felt his strong, firm arms come about her waist as he gently pressed her down on the sofa, kissing her with a kind of relieved desperation.

The doorbell rang suddenly. "That'll be the pizza!" said Harley, shoving him gently off her.

"Oooh, great!" chuckled Joker, as Harley opened the door to the delivery boy. "What kind?"

"Just cheese," said Harley, sadly, paying the boy and closing the door. "Guy's a vegetarian."

Joker made a face. "Ugh. Do the babies want that flavorless crap?"

"Nah, we'll just throw it away and order a new one," sighed Harley.

"How about Chinese instead, pooh?" asked Joker.

"Yeah, sounds good," said Harley, smiling at him. "And we'll order the babies some kung pao beef."

"Oh, I think they got a full meal right here," chuckled Joker, nodding at Guy.

Harley giggled. "Puddin', that's so naughty! And ironic, really, seeing how he didn't eat animals and all, that animals are now gonna eat him. I love it! Babies!" she called, dragging an unconscious Guy into the bedroom. "Suppertime! You're in for a treat tonight! It's the house specialty – Mr. Guy Wright!"

"Seriously?" asked Joker. "His name was Mr. Wright?"

"Yeah, Red thought it was a good omen," sighed Harley, shutting the bedroom door. "In her mind, he was the right guy for me."

"But not in yours, huh, pooh bear?" he asked as Harley took a seat in his lap.

"Nah uh," she agreed. "You know me, Mr. J. My mind may be crazy and mixed-up, but it's mine…and I got my Mr. Right right here."

They kissed tenderly. Then they heard Guy screaming as the hyenas devoured him…and the passion increased quickly on both sides.


	7. Chapter 7

**Nine Years Later**

"Honey, I'm home!" called Joker, throwing open the door to their hideout.

"Not so loud, puddin' – you'll wake 'em up!" whispered Harley, racing down the hall toward him. She kissed him, and then helped him off with his coat. "How's Batsy?" she asked.

"Still a sore loser," sighed Joker. "I left him standing in the wreckage of the hospital I'd just exploded staring at the ashes and lamenting his failure. Y'know, you'd think after all the times I let him win that he'd just cheer up and be a good sport on the rare occasions when I actually do win. How are the kiddy-winks doing?"

"Still sick," sighed Harley. "They must've picked up this bug at school. Y'know, sometimes I think we should have done what Johnny does with his kids and just home-schooled 'em."

"What, and have them turn out socially awkward freaks like Johnny's kids undoubtedly will?" demanded Joker. "Though with him as their father, that's fairly inevitable, home-school or no. Anyway, it's good for kids to build up immunities to diseases by getting exposed to stuff. That's why some parents have those chicken pox parties."

"And they call us crazy," sighed Harley, shaking her head. "At least we don't go out of our way to deliberately make our kids sick."

"Mmm, if they're anything like their Mommy and Daddy, they'll grow up that way naturally," murmured Joker, kissing her.

"Puddin', you're a bad boy!" giggled Harley. "C'mon, I'll go warm your dinner up…"

"Daddy?" called a voice from the bedroom down the hall.

Joker grinned. "I'll just go check on the kiddies first," he said, kissing Harley's forehead. He headed down the hall and opened the door to the bedroom. From the glow of the nightlight, he could see his twin children, Arleen and J.J., tucked into their bunk-beds, pale and sniffling but very clearly awake.

Joker pulled out a clown horn and honked it. "Here's the clown, come to cheer up the patients!" he said, entering their room. Harley smiled as she headed off to the kitchen to microwave Joker's dinner – she remembered when he had first said those words to her, a long time ago now and under very different circumstances. They had both come a very long way since then.

She popped the leftovers in the microwave, and then set a place for him at the dining room table. Bud and Lou lounged underneath, wagging their tails as she approached. The microwave beeped and Harley brought out the dinner, petted the hyenas, and then took a seat at the table to wait for Joker.

She was still waiting an hour later when the Joker finally emerged from the twins' room. "Your dinner's got cold," she commented.

"So just nuke it again," retorted Joker. "The kiddies said a story would make them feel better, and even I ain't heartless enough to refuse my own kiddies' request from a sickbed."

"They doing ok?" Harley asked, getting up to reheat the plate again.

"Yeah, they still look a little pale and clammy, but the fevers are gone," said Joker. "And they're sleeping now. J.J. said he feels like his nose is the source of a never-ending river of snot, and his head's the tissue dispenser that got clogged in it."

"That's a very vivid image," commented Harley.

"Yeah, the kid's a natural born storyteller," chuckled Joker. "Just like his old man. Course it figures that the spawn of my loins would turn out just like me."

"That's a very vivid image too," said Harley, kissing him as she put the plate down in front of him.

Joker sighed, looking down at the food. "All these years and you still can't cook. Why do I keep putting up with you, you dumb blonde?"

"Dunno," said Harley, grinning. "I'm just a bit of fun, after all. You could probably find a much better gal for you out there, one who would be a good cook and everything."

"Probably," agreed Joker. "So don't you forget how lucky you are that I keep ya around, toots."

"Likewise, Mr. J," retorted Harley, taking a seat on his lap.

"How do you expect me to eat with you right there?" demanded Joker.

"Creatively," she replied with a smile.

He glared at her, but then adjusted her onto his knee with one arm around her waist while he ate with one hand. Harley nestled into the crook of his arm, leaning against his shoulder and beaming.

"What are you so happy about?" he demanded. "Your kids are sick – don't that mean nothing, you heartless dame? What kinda terrible mother are you, huh?"

"It's just a little cold - they're gonna be ok in a couple days," she murmured. "They got you to take care of 'em, after all, so they'll be recovered in no time."

"Yeah, at least one of us is a good parent," he agreed.

"I told you you would be," retorted Harley.

"All right, Little Miss I-Told-You-So," snapped Joker. "Think you know everything, doncha?"

"I knew you'd be a good Daddy," said Harley, nodding. "Because you been a great one to me all these years."

He snorted. "Didn't have to be, y'know," he muttered. "Coulda thrown you out years ago."

"You coulda," agreed Harley. "But you didn't."

"Nope," agreed Joker. "But you were just a bit of fun, y'know."

"And what am I now?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Still fun, I guess. But you're also the mother of my children, so I can't very well throw you out now. So I guess I'm stuck with you for good."

"Guess you are," agreed Harley.

"Just my luck," he said. "Take a worthless little brat in for a bit of fun and get stuck with her for life. What did I ever do to deserve you, Harley?"

Harley shrugged. "I guess something good somewhere along the line."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "Don't spread that around, though. I got a reputation to preserve."

"Secret's safe with me, puddin'," murmured Harley, kissing him tenderly. He put down his fork, wrapping both arms around her waist and pulling her back into his lap. Harley drew her arms around his neck, sighing in happiness.

"Daddy?" said a voice from the doorway. Their daughter Arleen was standing there, teddy bear in hand. "Can you come tuck me in again? Mr. Bear fell outta bed so I had to get up and get him, and now I ain't tucked in no more."

"Sure thing, princess," said Joker, as Harley climbed off him. "But this time you gotta really try to go to sleep, so you'll get better quicker. Daddy misses his smiling, happy girl when she ain't her usual, cheerful self – it's like somebody took away his sunshine."

"I'll get better soon, Daddy, I promise," said Arleen as Joker picked her up and carried her back to bed. "I'm not mean – I wouldn't wanna take away your sunshine for long."

He kissed her. "Daddy loves his smiling, happy girl," he whispered. "Both of 'em," he added, winking at Harley.

Harley sighed happily as she cleared away the dishes. Her and the Joker's relationship had never been what other people would call ideal, and they had always had more than their fair share of ups and downs. But she had never dreamed she could ever be as happy as she was now. She never could have imagined at the beginning that they would end up with everything she had ever wanted and more. She never could have foreseen that the man so reluctant to even share his bed with her was now sharing his life completely with her. It was crazy, and, like all crazy things in Harley's experience, it was utterly and completely perfect.

 _Not bad for a bit of fun_ thought Harley with a smile. _Not bad at all._

 **The End**


End file.
